How to End a Life
by squeaken1
Summary: Cartman agrees to kill Butters (Professor Chaos) in a way that will make Cartman look like a hero and put little Butters out of his misery. Piece of cake, right?
1. How to End a Life

**How to End a Life**

_Dear Eric,_

_Please meet me at Starbucks after school. I have a question for you, and I will make it worth your while. I have cheesy poofs and will do whatever you want. Please come._

_Butters_

Butters always did have pansy-ass handwriting. Eric had told him many times to. It did confuse him a bit as to why Butters wanted to meet with him, but he honestly didn't give a fuck. Butters had cheesy poofs, and that's all he cared about. The blond boy probably just had a stupid question, anyway. "Eric, why are you so awesome?" "Eric, can you teach me to be cool?" All these questions flew through the fat boy's head, bringing a smile to his face. Butters looked up to him in more ways than one. What a retard. Eric took advantage of him so often, it was a surprise Butters even associated with him, never mind called him a friend.

Pulling himself to a stop, Eric glanced over the letter, eyeing the sign that read "Starbucks". What a shithole place to get coffee. Everyone was rude, the coffee was overpriced, and there was no Tweek to mess with. He didn't even like coffee, so why should it matter to him, anyway?

The brunette pushed open the door, unveiling the warm smell of coffee. Man, it was strong. Shifting his eyes around, he made a quick search for Butters. Where was the little faggot?

"Hey, Eric," a voice mumbled from behind.

Twirling around, Eric became face to face with the little blond, their noses two inches from each other. "Where the fuck did you come from?!" Eric demanded, jumping back.

"I-I just got in, a-actually…" Butters admitted, voice trailing off.

"Right…" Before he could say another word, Butters seated himself to a table. He better not be planning to call all the shots! That was _Eric's_ job! With a sneer, the tubby boy followed suit, sitting across from the blond.

"What do you want?" Eric dryly asked, folding his hands on the table.

"First thing's first: Do you hate me?" Knocking his knuckles together, Butters kept eye contact with the brunette. He seemed to be focused hard, as if he wouldn't blink.

"Of course I hate yew!" Eric exclaimed. "What isn't there to hate about yew? In fact, everyone hates yew!" God damn it, what a stupid question.

"Th-then…you wouldn't m-mind…um…killing me…W-would ya?" Butters licked his dry lips, still knocking his knuckles together.

"…What?" Did Butters just say what he thought he said? Innocent, gullible, optimistic little Butters…Wow, what a shocker!

"Y-you heard m-me," Butters mumbled with an attempt of strength in his tone. "I-I want you to a-assist me in suic-cide."

Eric was holding a straight face. Part of him wanted to smack the shit out of Butters, but another part of him wanted to…embrace Butters? Comfort him? No, it couldn't be. Maybe Eric was reading his emotions wrong. He just wanted to embrace those damn cheesy poofs.

"A-as you said, no one likes me. A-and for m-my own personal reasons…" Butters' eyes began to water. "Y-you'll finally be rid o-of me, E-Eric."

With a heavy sigh, the brunet pinched his brow. How the fuck was he gonna do this? Then it hit him. He threw his fat hand back on the table, keeping his deep eyes locked upon timid, little Butters.

"Wh-what?" Butters squeaked.

"First, give meh mah cheesy poofs," the fact boy demanded.

"O-oh, right." Butters fumbled through his backpack, pulling out a large bag of cheesy poofs.

With a swift movement Eric snatched the bag, tearing into it with glee. "So, Butters," Eric began with a mouth full of cheesy poofs, "I can't murder yew unless I want to be in jail for the rest of mah life."

"Oh." Butters slouched back in his seat, dropping his head.

"However," Eric continued, swallowing his food in a big gulp, "If we make it look like the Coon was saving the day from Professor Chaos, I can't get mah ass whipped. So, what do yew say?" Wit a smug grin, Eric held out his hand across the table.

Butters thought for a moment. He sure didn't want Eric to get in trouble because of his desires, but he wanted to take action now. It seemed like a good idea, that way his dad could never think of grounding him if it failed.

So, with his small, goofy smile, Butters stretched out his hand and shook the fat boy's. His life was now within Eric's hands.

Why the hell was he here? Why the hell was he doing this? Butters-no, Professor Chaos- was standing on top of the toy store, planting bombs on the roof. He was half-tempted to set one off one of the bombs right then and there, but he didn't have the strength to. He was too much of a coward. What held him back?

Catching him by surprise, Professor Chaos' cell phone rang, vibrating within his aluminum-gloved hand. Without a thought, he flipped it open. "H-Hello?"

"The cops are on their way, Chaos. Got everything ready on your end?"

"Y-yeah, Coon. Everything is s-set," Professor Chaos muttered, watching the flashing lights edge closer from the distance.

"Good. Remember to be threatening!"

With that, the call ended.

Grabbing the megaphone, Professor Chaos stood on the edge of the roof, watching his doom approach. His heart was racing, a ray of hope finally appearing. The blond would finally get what he wanted. His miserable life would finally end. He wouldn't have to endure all the bullying, abuse from his parents, and loneliness from the lack of friends he had. No one cared, and no one would miss him. He was just a burden. When God made him, he put all of the extra, unneeded qualities in him. He was just a mistake. He was _gay_, and knew damn well his father didn't approve. Now he can no longer worry about his overwhelming parents; no longer worry about his so-called "friends" that used and abused him. It would all stop…and he would greet Satan in the depths of Hell where he belonged.

"Professor Chaos, come down slowly and quietly!" a police officer exclaimed into his megaphone, casually eating a doughnut as he did so.

"No!" Professor Chaos growled into his own megaphone. "I-I will blow up this toy store, that way a-all the children can suffer th-this holiday season! N-no one can be happy!" Chaos let out a crackling laugh.

"There's this thing called 'online shopping'," the cop lazily said.

"…Well," Chaos muttered, lost in words. "I-I, uh…a-am going to stop this business from gr-growing!" With a quick laugh, the little villain had the cop convinced.

"You monster!" the cop roared, dropping his doughnut.

"Shoot him!" another hollered.

"Stand aside," The Coon commanded, entering the scene. Finally, it would end.

"Why should we listen to you?" a cop asked.

The Coon lifted his gun, turning to the cop. "Because I am a professional superhero."

Keeping his cool, The Coon aimed at Professor Chaos, licking his lips. It was all going to end soon. Professor Chaos would be gone; Butters would be gone. No more Butters joining in on his schemes. No more Butters to try and cheer him up when he was low. No more Butters to manipulate and make fun of. That's how it will end. That's how it was supposed to end, right? Eric was sure he wanted this, to get the little faggot out of his hair. He could easily replace him with the Jew. Their life together was about to end…so he could become a hero and shower himself in the glory.

"Well, if you're such a professional, shoot him already!" the cop sneered, growing impatient.

The Coon just seemed fazed, unsure of himself. Was this truly worth it? Was he going too far? What the fuck was wrong with him?

"I-I knew you'd chicken out!" Chaos screamed, throwing his megaphone off the edge. "I-I guess I have no other choice!" The boy pulled out a small bag, showing them high in the air. "This is a bag full of almond M&Ms!"

With one swift chug, Chaos inhaled the entire bag. He grasped his stomach, allowing his body to top over the edge.

The cops applauded as The Coon stared in shock. He didn't know what made him do it, but The Coon threw aside his gun and ran to the store's edge. He glanced up and stood beneath the falling villain, catching him within his thick arms.

"Butters, yew idiot! Yew're allergic to almonds!" The Coon cried. What the fuck was wrong with him? Where the hell were these tears coming from?

"E-Eric…" Butters moaned, falling unconscious.

"Stay with meh! I need mah Butters to manipulate!" Tears rained down harder, blinding the chubby boy. He ripped off his mask, throwing off Professor Chaos' helmet as well. "I _lied_, Butters! I don't hate yew! Yew're the closest thing I got to a friend!" Eric didn't care anymore. He didn't give a rat's ass about what he was saying. He just wanted his manipulation tool back. Kyle was _too_ clever and sneaky to take his place. That's wall Butters was to him, right? But it still hurt to watch the boy die.

Shutting his eyes tight, the brunette fought back the tears. They needed to end. He wasn't a pansy-ass like Butters. That's when he felt something lightly tap the back of his hand. Slowly, he opened his eyes. It was an empty bag of M&Ms. Pretzel M&Ms to be exact. Eric's sorrow was replaced with rage.

"Butters. These aren't almonds," the fat boy growled.

No response.

"Butters!"

Violently, Eric shook the blond awake, keeping a dark glare in his eyes.

"E-Eric?" Butters mumbled.

"Those were _pretzel _M&Ms, you fucking retard!"

Butters smiled. "Y-you do care fo-or me," he cooed.

The brunette flushed. "No. I just don't want to deal with finding a fucking replacement for yew."

"Th-then why did you sa-say-"

"Because yew scared the shit out of meh, okay?!"

Unsure of what was happening, the cops left. It was all just too bizarre. Besides, it was free doughnut night at the station.

Eric continued to stare at the blond boy, glaring at his goofy grin. What the fuck was wrong with him. Wasn't he suicidal five minutes ago?

"Hey, E-Eric…" Butters mumbled, still smiling. "I-is there a reason yo-ou're still holding me?"

The brunette flushed again. "No." With little force, he dropped the blond. "Now let's go home so I can kick yer ass on the x-box."

"Oh, o-okay," Butters chirped, skipping along the side of Eric. Finally, he got Eric to admit the truth, even if he did have to go great lengths to hear it.

* * *

**Yep. I also have an alternate ending. I couldn't decide which I liked better. I wrote this back in November, but never posted it.**


	2. Alternate Ending

**ALTERNATE ENDING**

Unsure of what was happening, the cops left. It was all just too bizarre. Besides, it was free doughnut night at the station.

Eric continued to stare at the blond boy, glaring at his goofy grin. What the fuck was wrong with him. Wasn't he suicidal five minutes ago?

"E-Eric…" Butters muttered, placing his hand into his pocket.

"Mm, what?!" Eric irritably said.

"S-see ya on the o-other side." Butters pulled out a small trigger from his pocket, pressing the red button. As soon as it was hit, the entire toy store erupted in fire, blowing up into tiny bits. The head of the explosion began to burn their skin, causing them both to scream. The impact threw the two boys across the street, into a large van. Both their necks snapped backwards, killing them instantly.

Butters was now finally forever with Eric, away from the horrible people in their lives. Away from his parents, the bullies, and the Jew that got under Eric's skin. They were both finally free together, and Eric was given no choice.

* * *

**Pick your favorite ending! I honestly don't really care for either or. I loved it at the time I wrote it, but I really think I could've done better now. So, enjoy my shit! :D**


End file.
